Twas the morning before Christmas, and all through the house, ain't nobody home, cause Lady Di's heading South.
Here I am driving along...when suddenly I realize something is dreadfully wrong...I forgot my bikini, along with some other stuff....oh well, guess I'll just have to swim in the buff.
All is going fine, when traffic begins to slow a bit...I look over to the side and see Santa's sleigh in the ditch. Figurin' on doin' a bit of sleigh fixin', I realized it wasn't the sleigh, but Dasher and Dancer and Prancer and Vixen.
As I was looking at Santa's reindeer lying in the ditch water that was so murky...lo and behold, along comes the butchers meat wagon....looking to make some Christmas Jerky.
I stopped in Virginia to get some grub...a cute little waitress in an elf suit asked, "Merry Christmas, what can I get ya honey?" I told her, "Bacon and Eggs, and oh by the way, did you hear that Santa's reindeer are being ground up for money?"
I finally hit the North Carolina border while listening to some tunes that are kinda sad...when all of a sudden, Michael Jackson starts singing my song....I'm Bad.
As I'm driving along, I'm taking a mental inventory of the "beverages" I can count....I search for "Liquor or State Store" in the GPS...and it says, "dumb shit, you're in the South". So I think it's time for this Interstate and I to depart...and start looking for the local WalMart.
Here it is now Christmas Eve, looking for a place to stay the night. Hoping Santa finds some more reindeer, so he can find my site. Tyler will be looking for some presents come Christmas morn, and if there's none, I'm sure he'll be torn.
As for myself, there's nothing I want under the Christmas tree.....oh, except for that 6' tall muscle bound Cabana boy, sent here to serve only me.......oh and for all my friends and family to EAT, DRINK and BE MERRY.
MERRY CHRISTMAS EVERYONE!!!!
Showing posts with label funny post. Show all posts
Showing posts with label funny post. Show all posts
Sunday, December 26, 2010
Sunday, June 27, 2010
Divorce vs. Murder
A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the Pharmacy, walked up to the Pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes and said, "I would like to buy some Cyanide". The Pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need Cyanide?" The lady replied, "To poison my husband."
The Pharmacist's eyes got big and he exclaimed, "Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband. That's against the law! I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kind of bad things will happen. Absolutely NOT!!! You CANNOT have any cyanide."
The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the Pharmacist's wife. The Pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well now, that's different. You didn't tell me you had a prescription."
The Pharmacist's eyes got big and he exclaimed, "Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband. That's against the law! I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kind of bad things will happen. Absolutely NOT!!! You CANNOT have any cyanide."
The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the Pharmacist's wife. The Pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well now, that's different. You didn't tell me you had a prescription."
Tom's Golf Cart Accident
The Pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for answered prayers. A lady stood and walked to the podium.
She said, "I have a praise. Two months ago, my husband Tom had a terrible golf cart wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him."
You could hear a muffled gasp from the men inthe congregation as they imagined the pain that poor Tom must have experienced..."Tom was unable to hold me or the children" she went on, "and every move caused him terrible pain. We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation, and it turned out they were able to piece together the crushed remains of Tom's scrotum, and wrap wire around it to hold it in place."
Again the men in the congregation were unnerved and squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Tom. "Now", she announced, "thank the lord, Tom is out of the hospital, and the doctors say that with time, his scrotum will recover completely."
All the men sighed with relief. The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had something to say.
A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium. He said, "I'm Tom". The entire congregation held it's breath. "I just want to tell my wife that the word is "sternum".
She said, "I have a praise. Two months ago, my husband Tom had a terrible golf cart wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him."
You could hear a muffled gasp from the men inthe congregation as they imagined the pain that poor Tom must have experienced..."Tom was unable to hold me or the children" she went on, "and every move caused him terrible pain. We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation, and it turned out they were able to piece together the crushed remains of Tom's scrotum, and wrap wire around it to hold it in place."
Again the men in the congregation were unnerved and squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Tom. "Now", she announced, "thank the lord, Tom is out of the hospital, and the doctors say that with time, his scrotum will recover completely."
All the men sighed with relief. The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had something to say.
A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium. He said, "I'm Tom". The entire congregation held it's breath. "I just want to tell my wife that the word is "sternum".
Generic Pharmacy
In Pharmacology, all drugs have two names, a trade name and a generic name. For example Tylenol has a generic name of Acetaminophen, Aleve is also called Naproxen, Amoxil is also calles Amoxicillin, and Advil is also called Ibuprofen.
The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra. After careful consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced that it has settled on a generic name of Mycoxafloppin. Also considered were Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizen, Dixafix and of course Ibepokin.
Pfizer corportation announced today that Viagra will be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer. It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one. Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it give new meaning to the names of "cocktails", "highballs" and just a good old fashioned "stiff drink". Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of; "Mount & Do".
Thought for the day:
There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by the year 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely NO recollection of what to do with them.
The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra. After careful consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced that it has settled on a generic name of Mycoxafloppin. Also considered were Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizen, Dixafix and of course Ibepokin.
Pfizer corportation announced today that Viagra will be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer. It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one. Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it give new meaning to the names of "cocktails", "highballs" and just a good old fashioned "stiff drink". Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of; "Mount & Do".
Thought for the day:
There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by the year 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely NO recollection of what to do with them.
Wednesday, December 2, 2009
Christmas Decorating Contest
Once again, I was disqualified from my neighborhood’s “Best Decorated House” contest, due to my bad attitude! 
I'm An Adult Now
25 Ways To Tell You're Grown Up
1 - Your houseplants are alive and you can't smoke any of them.
2 - Having sex in a twin bed is totally out of the question.
3 - You keep more food than beer in the fridge. (Well, we do have two fridge's, one for food and one for beer...lol)
4 - 6:00 am is when you get up, not when you go to bed.
5 - You hear your favorite song in an elevator.
6 - You watch the weather channel.
7 - Your friends marry and divorce instead of "hook up" and "break up".
8 - You go from 130 days of vacation time to 14.
9 - Jeans and a sweater no longer classify as "dressed up".
10 - You're the one calling the police cause those damn kids next door won't turn down the stereo.
11 - Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.
12 - You don't know what time Taco Bell closes anymore.
13 - Your car insurance goes down and your car payments go up.
14 - You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonalds leftovers.
15 - Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt.
16 -You take naps.
17 - Dinner and a movie is the whole date instead of the beginning of one.
18 - Eating a basket of chicken wings at 3 am would severly upset, rather than settle, your stomach.
19 - You go to the drug store for ibuprofen and antacid, instead of condoms and pregnancy tests.
20 - A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer, "pretty good shit".
21 - You actually eat breakfast food at breakfast time.
22 - "I just can't drink the way I used to" replaces "I'm never going to drink that much again".
23 - 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work.
24 - You drink at home to save money before going to the bar.
25 - When you find out your friend is pregnant you congratulate them instead of asking, "oh shit, what the hell happened"?
Bonus:
26 - You read this entire list looking desperately for one sign that doesn't apply to you, and can't find one to save your sorry ass.
You'll be a grown up some day too.
1 - Your houseplants are alive and you can't smoke any of them.
2 - Having sex in a twin bed is totally out of the question.
3 - You keep more food than beer in the fridge. (Well, we do have two fridge's, one for food and one for beer...lol)
4 - 6:00 am is when you get up, not when you go to bed.
5 - You hear your favorite song in an elevator.
6 - You watch the weather channel.
7 - Your friends marry and divorce instead of "hook up" and "break up".
8 - You go from 130 days of vacation time to 14.
9 - Jeans and a sweater no longer classify as "dressed up".
10 - You're the one calling the police cause those damn kids next door won't turn down the stereo.
11 - Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.
12 - You don't know what time Taco Bell closes anymore.
13 - Your car insurance goes down and your car payments go up.
14 - You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonalds leftovers.
15 - Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt.
16 -You take naps.
17 - Dinner and a movie is the whole date instead of the beginning of one.
18 - Eating a basket of chicken wings at 3 am would severly upset, rather than settle, your stomach.
19 - You go to the drug store for ibuprofen and antacid, instead of condoms and pregnancy tests.
20 - A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer, "pretty good shit".
21 - You actually eat breakfast food at breakfast time.
22 - "I just can't drink the way I used to" replaces "I'm never going to drink that much again".
23 - 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work.
24 - You drink at home to save money before going to the bar.
25 - When you find out your friend is pregnant you congratulate them instead of asking, "oh shit, what the hell happened"?
Bonus:
26 - You read this entire list looking desperately for one sign that doesn't apply to you, and can't find one to save your sorry ass.
You'll be a grown up some day too.
Tuesday, June 2, 2009
The Three Labs
Three male Labradors, 1 chocolate, 1 yellow, and 1 black were sitting in a waiting room at the vet's office when they struck up a conversation.
The black Lab turned to the chocolate Lab and said, 'So why are you here?' The chocolate Lab replied, 'I'm a pisser. I piss on everything....the sofa, the curtains, the cat, the kids. But the final straw was last night when I pissed in the middle of my owner's' bed.' The black Lab said, 'So what is the vet going to do?' 'Gonna cut my nuts off,' came the reply from the chocolate Lab... They reckon it'll calm me down.'
The black Lab then turned to the yellow Lab and asked, 'Why are you here?' The yellow Lab said, 'I'm a digger. I dig under fences dig up flowers and trees, and I dig just for the hell of it... When I'm inside, I dig up the carpets. But I went over the line last night when I dug a great big hole in my owner's couch.' So what are they going to do to you?' the black Lab inquired. Looks like I'm losing my nuts too'. The dejected yellow Lab said.
The yellow Lab then turned to the black Lab and asked, 'Why are you here?' 'I'm a humper,' the black Lab said. 'I'll hump anything. I'll hump the cat, a pillow, the table, and fence posts, whatever. I want to hump everything I see. 'Yesterday, my owner had just gotten out of the shower, and as she was bending down to dry her toes, I just couldn't help myself. I hopped on her back and started humping away'.
The yellow and chocolate Labs exchanged a sad glance and said, 'So, nuts off for you too, huh?' The black Lab said.... 'No, I'm just here to get my nails clipped.
The black Lab turned to the chocolate Lab and said, 'So why are you here?' The chocolate Lab replied, 'I'm a pisser. I piss on everything....the sofa, the curtains, the cat, the kids. But the final straw was last night when I pissed in the middle of my owner's' bed.' The black Lab said, 'So what is the vet going to do?' 'Gonna cut my nuts off,' came the reply from the chocolate Lab... They reckon it'll calm me down.'
The black Lab then turned to the yellow Lab and asked, 'Why are you here?' The yellow Lab said, 'I'm a digger. I dig under fences dig up flowers and trees, and I dig just for the hell of it... When I'm inside, I dig up the carpets. But I went over the line last night when I dug a great big hole in my owner's couch.' So what are they going to do to you?' the black Lab inquired. Looks like I'm losing my nuts too'. The dejected yellow Lab said.
The yellow Lab then turned to the black Lab and asked, 'Why are you here?' 'I'm a humper,' the black Lab said. 'I'll hump anything. I'll hump the cat, a pillow, the table, and fence posts, whatever. I want to hump everything I see. 'Yesterday, my owner had just gotten out of the shower, and as she was bending down to dry her toes, I just couldn't help myself. I hopped on her back and started humping away'.
The yellow and chocolate Labs exchanged a sad glance and said, 'So, nuts off for you too, huh?' The black Lab said.... 'No, I'm just here to get my nails clipped.
Involuntary Muscular Contractions
A professor at the University of Vermont was giving a lecture on 'Involuntary Muscular Contractions' to his first year medical students.
Realizing this was not the most riveting subject, the professor decided to lighten the mood slightly.
He pointed to a young woman in the front row and asked, "Do you know what your ass hole is doing while you're having an orgasm?"
She replied, "Probably deer hunting with his buddies."
It took 45 minutes to restore order in the classroom.........
Realizing this was not the most riveting subject, the professor decided to lighten the mood slightly.
He pointed to a young woman in the front row and asked, "Do you know what your ass hole is doing while you're having an orgasm?"
She replied, "Probably deer hunting with his buddies."
It took 45 minutes to restore order in the classroom.........
Thoughts For The Day
Now that I'm older, I thought it was great that I seemed to have more patience. Turns out I just don't give a shit.
The Importance of Walking
Walking can add minutes to your life. This enables you, at 85 years old, to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing home at $7000 per month.
My Dad started walking five miles a day when he was 60. Now he's 94 years old...and we don't know where he is.
I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.
The only reason I would take up walking is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.
I have to walk early in the morning, before my brain figures out what I'm doing.
I joined a health club last year, spent about 400 bucks. Haven't lost a pound. Apparently you have to go there.
I do have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.
If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country.
We all get heavier as we get older, because there's a lot more information in our heads. That's my story and I'm sticking to it.
Every time I start thinking too much about how I look, I just find a Happy Hour and, by the time I leave, I look just fine.
The Importance of Walking
Walking can add minutes to your life. This enables you, at 85 years old, to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing home at $7000 per month.
My Dad started walking five miles a day when he was 60. Now he's 94 years old...and we don't know where he is.
I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.
The only reason I would take up walking is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.
I have to walk early in the morning, before my brain figures out what I'm doing.
I joined a health club last year, spent about 400 bucks. Haven't lost a pound. Apparently you have to go there.
I do have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.
If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country.
We all get heavier as we get older, because there's a lot more information in our heads. That's my story and I'm sticking to it.
Every time I start thinking too much about how I look, I just find a Happy Hour and, by the time I leave, I look just fine.
Sunday, May 17, 2009
Don't Talk to my Parrot
Wanda's dishwasher quit working so she called in a repairman. Since she had to go to work the next day, she told the repairman, 'I'll leave the key under the mat. Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the counter, and I'll mail you a check. Oh, by the way don't worry about my dog Spike. He won't bother you.' 'But, whatever you do, do NOT, under ANY circumstances, talk to my parrot!
'I MUST STRESS TO YOU: DO NOT TALK TO MY PARROT!!!'
When the repairman arrived at Wanda's apartment the following day, he discovered the biggest, meanest looking dog he has ever seen. But, just as she had said, the dog just lay there on the carpet watching the repairman go about his work. The parrot, however, drove him nuts the whole time with his incessant yelling, cursing and name calling. Finally the repairman couldn't contain himself any longer and yelled, 'Shut up, you stupid, ugly bird!'
To which the parrot replied,
'Get him Spike!'
See - Men just don't listen!
'I MUST STRESS TO YOU: DO NOT TALK TO MY PARROT!!!'
When the repairman arrived at Wanda's apartment the following day, he discovered the biggest, meanest looking dog he has ever seen. But, just as she had said, the dog just lay there on the carpet watching the repairman go about his work. The parrot, however, drove him nuts the whole time with his incessant yelling, cursing and name calling. Finally the repairman couldn't contain himself any longer and yelled, 'Shut up, you stupid, ugly bird!'
To which the parrot replied,
'Get him Spike!'
See - Men just don't listen!
The Nun
A nun, badly needing to use the restroom, walked into a local Hooters. The place was hopping with music and loud conversation and every once in a while 'the lights would turnoff.' Each time the lights would go out, the place would erupt into cheers. However, when the revelers saw the nun, the room went dead silent.
She walked up to the bartender, and asked, 'May I please use the restroom?" The bartender replied, 'OK, but I should warn you that there is a statue of a naked man in there wearing only a fig leaf.' 'Well, in that case, I'll just look the other way,' said the nun. So the bartender showed the nun to the back of the restaurant.
After a few minutes, she came back out, and the whole place stopped just long enough to give the nun a loud round of applause. She went to the bartender and said, 'Sir, I don't understand. Why did they applaud for me just because I went to the restroom?' 'Well, now they know you're one of us,' said the bartender, 'Would you like a drink?' 'No thank you, but, I still don't understand,' said the puzzled nun.
'You see,' laughed the bartender, 'every time someone lifts the fig leaf on that statue, the lights go out. Now, how about that drink?'
She walked up to the bartender, and asked, 'May I please use the restroom?" The bartender replied, 'OK, but I should warn you that there is a statue of a naked man in there wearing only a fig leaf.' 'Well, in that case, I'll just look the other way,' said the nun. So the bartender showed the nun to the back of the restaurant.
After a few minutes, she came back out, and the whole place stopped just long enough to give the nun a loud round of applause. She went to the bartender and said, 'Sir, I don't understand. Why did they applaud for me just because I went to the restroom?' 'Well, now they know you're one of us,' said the bartender, 'Would you like a drink?' 'No thank you, but, I still don't understand,' said the puzzled nun.
'You see,' laughed the bartender, 'every time someone lifts the fig leaf on that statue, the lights go out. Now, how about that drink?'
The Bathing Suit
When I was a child the bathing suit for the mature figure was boned, trussed and reinforced, not so much sewn as engineered. They were built to hold back and uplift and they did a good job. Today's stretch fabrics are designed for the prepubescent girl with a figure carved from a potato chip.
The mature woman has a choice - she can either go up front to the maternity department and try on a floral suit with a skirt, coming away looking like a hippopotamus who escaped from Disney's Fantasia or she can wander around every run of the mill department store trying to make a sensible choice from what amounts to a designer range of florescent rubber bands.
What choice did I have? I wandered around, made my sensible choice and entered the chamber of horrors known as the fitting room. The first thing I noticed was the extraordinary tensile strength of the stretch material. The Lycra used in bathing costumes was developed, I believe, by NASA to launch small rockets from a slingshot, which give the added bonus that if you manage to actually lever yourself into one, you are protected from shark attacks as any shark taking a swipe at your passing midriff would immediately suffer whip lash.
I fought my way into the bathing suit, but as I twanged the shoulder strap in place, I gasped in horror - my boobs had disappeared! Eventually, I found one boob cowering under my left armpit. It took a while to find the other. At last I located it flattened beside my seventh rib.
The problem is that modern bathing suits have no bra cups. The mature woman is meant to wear her boobs spread across her chest like a speed bump. I realigned my speed bump and lurched toward the mirror to take a full view assessment. The bathing suit fit all right, but unfortunately it only fit those bits of me willing to stay inside it. The rest of me oozed out rebelliously from top, bottom, and sides. I looked like a lump of play dough wearing undersized cling wrap. As I tried to work out where all those extra bits had come from, the prepubescent sales girl popped her head through the curtain, 'Oh, there you are,' she said, admiring the bathing suit. I replied that I wasn't so sure and asked what else she had to show me.
I tried on a cream crinkled one that made me look like a lump of masking tape, and a floral two piece which gave the appearance of an oversized napkin in a serving ring. I struggled into a pair of leopard skin bathers with ragged frills and came out looking like Tarzan's Jane, pregnant with triplets and having a rough day. I tried on a black number with a mesh midriff and looked like a jellyfish in mourning. I tried on a bright pink suit with such a high cut leg I thought I would have to wax my eyebrows to wear it.
Finally, I found a suit that fit... a two-piece affair with a shorts style bottom and a loose blouse type top. It was cheap, comfortable, and bulge-friendly, so I bought it. My ridiculous search had a successful outcome, I figured. When I got home, I found a label which read -- 'Material might become transparent in water. 'So, if you happen to be on the beach or near any other body of water this year and I'm there too... I'll be the one in cut-off jeans and a t-shirt!
The mature woman has a choice - she can either go up front to the maternity department and try on a floral suit with a skirt, coming away looking like a hippopotamus who escaped from Disney's Fantasia or she can wander around every run of the mill department store trying to make a sensible choice from what amounts to a designer range of florescent rubber bands.
What choice did I have? I wandered around, made my sensible choice and entered the chamber of horrors known as the fitting room. The first thing I noticed was the extraordinary tensile strength of the stretch material. The Lycra used in bathing costumes was developed, I believe, by NASA to launch small rockets from a slingshot, which give the added bonus that if you manage to actually lever yourself into one, you are protected from shark attacks as any shark taking a swipe at your passing midriff would immediately suffer whip lash.
I fought my way into the bathing suit, but as I twanged the shoulder strap in place, I gasped in horror - my boobs had disappeared! Eventually, I found one boob cowering under my left armpit. It took a while to find the other. At last I located it flattened beside my seventh rib.
The problem is that modern bathing suits have no bra cups. The mature woman is meant to wear her boobs spread across her chest like a speed bump. I realigned my speed bump and lurched toward the mirror to take a full view assessment. The bathing suit fit all right, but unfortunately it only fit those bits of me willing to stay inside it. The rest of me oozed out rebelliously from top, bottom, and sides. I looked like a lump of play dough wearing undersized cling wrap. As I tried to work out where all those extra bits had come from, the prepubescent sales girl popped her head through the curtain, 'Oh, there you are,' she said, admiring the bathing suit. I replied that I wasn't so sure and asked what else she had to show me.
I tried on a cream crinkled one that made me look like a lump of masking tape, and a floral two piece which gave the appearance of an oversized napkin in a serving ring. I struggled into a pair of leopard skin bathers with ragged frills and came out looking like Tarzan's Jane, pregnant with triplets and having a rough day. I tried on a black number with a mesh midriff and looked like a jellyfish in mourning. I tried on a bright pink suit with such a high cut leg I thought I would have to wax my eyebrows to wear it.
Finally, I found a suit that fit... a two-piece affair with a shorts style bottom and a loose blouse type top. It was cheap, comfortable, and bulge-friendly, so I bought it. My ridiculous search had a successful outcome, I figured. When I got home, I found a label which read -- 'Material might become transparent in water. 'So, if you happen to be on the beach or near any other body of water this year and I'm there too... I'll be the one in cut-off jeans and a t-shirt!
Thursday, April 23, 2009
Roadside Emergency!!!
Yesterday I had a flat tire on the interstate. So I eased my car over to the shoulder of the road, carefully got out ofthe car and opened the trunk.
I took out 2 cardboard men, unfolded them and stood them at the rear of my car facing oncoming traffic. They look so lifelike you wouldn't believe it! They are in trench coats, exposing their nude bodies and private parts.
Cars started slowing down, looking at my life-like men. Of course, traffic started backing up. Everybody was tooting their horns and waving like crazy.
It wasn't long before a state trooper pulled up behind me. He got out of his car and started walking towards me. I could tell he was not a happy camper!
He asked, "What's going on here?"
"My car has a flat tire," I said calmly.
"Well, what the hell are those obscene cardboard men doing here by the road?"
I couldn't believe that he didn't know. So I told him, "Helloooooooo! Those are my emergency flashers!"
I took out 2 cardboard men, unfolded them and stood them at the rear of my car facing oncoming traffic. They look so lifelike you wouldn't believe it! They are in trench coats, exposing their nude bodies and private parts.
Cars started slowing down, looking at my life-like men. Of course, traffic started backing up. Everybody was tooting their horns and waving like crazy.
It wasn't long before a state trooper pulled up behind me. He got out of his car and started walking towards me. I could tell he was not a happy camper!
He asked, "What's going on here?"
"My car has a flat tire," I said calmly.
"Well, what the hell are those obscene cardboard men doing here by the road?"
I couldn't believe that he didn't know. So I told him, "Helloooooooo! Those are my emergency flashers!"
Monday, April 20, 2009
Your Yearly Dementia Test
It's that time of year to take our annual senior citizen test.
Exercise of the brain is as important as exercise of the muscles. As we grow older, it's important to keep mentally alert... If you don't use it, you lose it! Below is a very private way to gauge your loss or non-loss of intelligence.
Take the test presented here to determine if you're losing it or not. The spaces below are so you don't see the answers until you've made your answer.
OK, relax, clear your mind and begin.
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1. What do you put in a toaster?
Answer: 'bread.' If you said 'toast,' give up now and do something else.
Try not to hurt yourself. If you said, bread, go to Question 2.
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2. Say ' silk' five times. Now spell 'silk.' What do cows drink?
Answer: Cows drink water. If you said 'milk,' don't attempt the next question. Your brain is over-stressed and may even overheat. Content yourself with reading a more appropriate literature such as Auto World. However, if you said 'water', proceed to question 3.
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3. If a red house is made from red bricks and a blue house is made from blue bricks and a pink house is made from pink bricks and a black house is made from black bricks, what is a green house made from?
Answer: Greenhouses are made from glass. If you said 'green bricks,' why are you still reading these???
If you said 'glass,' go on to Question 4.
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4. It's twenty years ago, and a plane is flying at 20,000 feet over Germany (If you will recall, Germany at the time was politically divided into West Germany and East Germany .) Anyway, during the flight, two engines fail. The pilot, realizing that the last remaining engine is also failing, he decides on a crash landing procedure. Unfortunately the engine fails before he can do so and the plane fatally crashes smack in the middle of 'no man's land' between East Germany and West Germany. Where would you bury the survivors? East Germany, West Germany, or no man's land'?
Answer: You don't bury survivors.
If you said ANYTHING else, you're a dunce and you must stop. If you said, 'You don't bury survivors', proceed to the next question.
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5. Without using a calculator - You are driving a bus from London to Milford Haven in Wales. In London, 17 people get on the bus. In Reading, six people get off the bus and nine people get on. In Swindon, two people get off and four get on. In Cardiff, 11 people get off and 16 people get on. In Swansea, three people get off and five people get on. In Carmathen, six people get off and three get on. You then arrive at Milford Haven.
What was the name of the bus driver?
Exercise of the brain is as important as exercise of the muscles. As we grow older, it's important to keep mentally alert... If you don't use it, you lose it! Below is a very private way to gauge your loss or non-loss of intelligence.
Take the test presented here to determine if you're losing it or not. The spaces below are so you don't see the answers until you've made your answer.
OK, relax, clear your mind and begin.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
1. What do you put in a toaster?
Answer: 'bread.' If you said 'toast,' give up now and do something else.
Try not to hurt yourself. If you said, bread, go to Question 2.
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2. Say ' silk' five times. Now spell 'silk.' What do cows drink?
Answer: Cows drink water. If you said 'milk,' don't attempt the next question. Your brain is over-stressed and may even overheat. Content yourself with reading a more appropriate literature such as Auto World. However, if you said 'water', proceed to question 3.
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3. If a red house is made from red bricks and a blue house is made from blue bricks and a pink house is made from pink bricks and a black house is made from black bricks, what is a green house made from?
Answer: Greenhouses are made from glass. If you said 'green bricks,' why are you still reading these???
If you said 'glass,' go on to Question 4.
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4. It's twenty years ago, and a plane is flying at 20,000 feet over Germany (If you will recall, Germany at the time was politically divided into West Germany and East Germany .) Anyway, during the flight, two engines fail. The pilot, realizing that the last remaining engine is also failing, he decides on a crash landing procedure. Unfortunately the engine fails before he can do so and the plane fatally crashes smack in the middle of 'no man's land' between East Germany and West Germany. Where would you bury the survivors? East Germany, West Germany, or no man's land'?
Answer: You don't bury survivors.
If you said ANYTHING else, you're a dunce and you must stop. If you said, 'You don't bury survivors', proceed to the next question.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
5. Without using a calculator - You are driving a bus from London to Milford Haven in Wales. In London, 17 people get on the bus. In Reading, six people get off the bus and nine people get on. In Swindon, two people get off and four get on. In Cardiff, 11 people get off and 16 people get on. In Swansea, three people get off and five people get on. In Carmathen, six people get off and three get on. You then arrive at Milford Haven.
What was the name of the bus driver?
Why Parents Drink
The boss wondered why one of his most valued employees was absent but had not phoned in sick one day. Needing to have an urgent problem with one of the main computers resolved, he dialed the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whisper. "Hello?"
''Is your daddy home?" he asked.
"Yes", whispered the small voice.
"May I talk with him?"
The child whispered, "No"
Surprised and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your Mummy there?"
"Yes"
"May I talk with her?"
Again the small voice whispered, "No".
Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked, "Is anybody else there?"
"Yes," whispered the child, "a policeman".
Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, "May I speak with the policeman?"
"No, he's busy," whispered the child.
"Busy doing what?"
"Talking to Daddy and Mummy and the Fireman", came the whispered answer.
Growing more worried as he heard a loud noise in the background through the earpiece on the phone, the boss asked, "What is that noise?''
"A helicopter", answered the whispering voice.
"What is going on there?" demanded the boss, now truly apprehensive.
Again, whispering, the child answered, "The search team just landed a helicopter".
Alarmed, concerned and a little frustrated the boss asked, "What are they searching for?"
Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle... "ME".
''Is your daddy home?" he asked.
"Yes", whispered the small voice.
"May I talk with him?"
The child whispered, "No"
Surprised and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your Mummy there?"
"Yes"
"May I talk with her?"
Again the small voice whispered, "No".
Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked, "Is anybody else there?"
"Yes," whispered the child, "a policeman".
Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, "May I speak with the policeman?"
"No, he's busy," whispered the child.
"Busy doing what?"
"Talking to Daddy and Mummy and the Fireman", came the whispered answer.
Growing more worried as he heard a loud noise in the background through the earpiece on the phone, the boss asked, "What is that noise?''
"A helicopter", answered the whispering voice.
"What is going on there?" demanded the boss, now truly apprehensive.
Again, whispering, the child answered, "The search team just landed a helicopter".
Alarmed, concerned and a little frustrated the boss asked, "What are they searching for?"
Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle... "ME".
Monday, February 16, 2009
Killer Chili
I went grocery shopping recently while not being altogether sure that course of action was a wise one. You see, the previous evening I had prepared and consumed a massive quantity of my patented 'you're definitely going to $h!t yourself' chili. Tasty stuff, albeit hot to the point of being painful, which comes with a written guarantee from me that if you eat it, the next day both of your butt cheeks WILL fall off.
Here's the thing. I had awakened that morning, and even after two cups of coffee (and all of you know what I mean) nothing happened. No 'Watson's Movement, despite habanera peppers swimming their way through my intestinal tract, I was unable to create the usual morning symphony referred to by my next door neighbors as 'thunder and lightning'.
Knowing that a time of reckoning HAD to come, yet not sure of just when, I bravely set off for the market, a local Wal-Mart grocery store that I often haunt in search of tasty tidbits. Upon entering the store at first all seemed normal. I selected a cart and began pushing it about dropping items in for purchase. It wasn't until I was at the opposite end of the store from the restrooms that the pain hit me. Oh, don't look at me like you don't know what I'm talking about. I'm referring to that 'Uh, Oh, gotta go' pain that always seems to hit us at the wrong time.
The thing is, this pain was different.The habaneras in the chili from the night before were staging a revolt. In a mad rush for freedom they bullied their way through the small intestines, forcing their way into the large intestines, and before I could take one step in the direction of the restrooms which would bring sweet relief, it happened. The peppers fired a warning shot.
There I stood, alone in the spice and baking aisle, suddenly enveloped in a noxious cloud the likes of which has never before been recorded. I was afraid to move for fear that more of this vile odor might escape me. Slowly, oh so slowly, the pressure seemed to leave the lower part of my body, and I began to move up the aisle and out of it, just as an elderly woman turned into it.
I don't know what made me do it, but I stopped to see what her reaction would be to the malodorous effluvium that refused to dissipate. Have you ever been torn in two different directions emotionally? Here's what I mean, and I'm sure some of you at least will be able to relate. I could've warned that poor woman but didn't. I simply watched as she walked into an invisible, and apparently indestructible, wall of odor so terrible that all she could do before gathering her senses and running, was to stand there blinking and waving her arms about her head as though trying to ward off angry bees. This, of course, made me feel terrible, but then made me laugh. .......BIG mistake!!!!!
Here's the thing. When you laugh, it's hard to keep things 'clamped down', if you know what I mean. With each new guffaw an explosive issue burst forth from my nether region. Some were so loud and echoing that I was later told a few folks in other aisles had ducked, fearing that someone was robbing the store and firing off a shotgun. Suddenly things were no longer funny. 'It' was coming, and I raced off through the store towards the restrooms, laying down a cloud the whole way, praying that I'd make it before the grand mal assplosion took place.
Luck was on my side. Just in the nick of time I got to the john, began the inevitable 'Oh my God', floating above the toilet seat because my ass is burning SO BAD, purging. One poor lady walked in while I was in the middle of what is the true meaning of 'Shock and Awe' . She made a gagging sound, and disgustedly said, 'Sonofabitch!', then quickly left.
Once finished I left the restroom, reacquired my partially filled cart intending to carry on with my shopping when a store employee approached me and said, 'Ma'am, you might want to step outside for a few minutes. It appears some prankster set off a stink bomb in the store. The manager is going to run the vent fans on high for a minute or two which ought to take care of the problem. That of course set me off again, causing residual gases to escape me.
The employee took one sniff, jumped back pulling his shirt up to cover his nose and, pointing at me in an accusing manner shouted, 'IT'S YOU!', then ran off returning moments later with the manager. I was unceremoniously escorted from the premises and asked none too kindly not to return.
Home again without having shopped, I realized that there was nothing to eat but leftover chili, so I consumed two more bowls. The next day I went to shop at Albertson's. I can't say anymore about that because we are in court over the whole matter. Bastards claim they're going to have to repaint the store..
Here's the thing. I had awakened that morning, and even after two cups of coffee (and all of you know what I mean) nothing happened. No 'Watson's Movement, despite habanera peppers swimming their way through my intestinal tract, I was unable to create the usual morning symphony referred to by my next door neighbors as 'thunder and lightning'.
Knowing that a time of reckoning HAD to come, yet not sure of just when, I bravely set off for the market, a local Wal-Mart grocery store that I often haunt in search of tasty tidbits. Upon entering the store at first all seemed normal. I selected a cart and began pushing it about dropping items in for purchase. It wasn't until I was at the opposite end of the store from the restrooms that the pain hit me. Oh, don't look at me like you don't know what I'm talking about. I'm referring to that 'Uh, Oh, gotta go' pain that always seems to hit us at the wrong time.
The thing is, this pain was different.The habaneras in the chili from the night before were staging a revolt. In a mad rush for freedom they bullied their way through the small intestines, forcing their way into the large intestines, and before I could take one step in the direction of the restrooms which would bring sweet relief, it happened. The peppers fired a warning shot.
There I stood, alone in the spice and baking aisle, suddenly enveloped in a noxious cloud the likes of which has never before been recorded. I was afraid to move for fear that more of this vile odor might escape me. Slowly, oh so slowly, the pressure seemed to leave the lower part of my body, and I began to move up the aisle and out of it, just as an elderly woman turned into it.
I don't know what made me do it, but I stopped to see what her reaction would be to the malodorous effluvium that refused to dissipate. Have you ever been torn in two different directions emotionally? Here's what I mean, and I'm sure some of you at least will be able to relate. I could've warned that poor woman but didn't. I simply watched as she walked into an invisible, and apparently indestructible, wall of odor so terrible that all she could do before gathering her senses and running, was to stand there blinking and waving her arms about her head as though trying to ward off angry bees. This, of course, made me feel terrible, but then made me laugh. .......BIG mistake!!!!!
Here's the thing. When you laugh, it's hard to keep things 'clamped down', if you know what I mean. With each new guffaw an explosive issue burst forth from my nether region. Some were so loud and echoing that I was later told a few folks in other aisles had ducked, fearing that someone was robbing the store and firing off a shotgun. Suddenly things were no longer funny. 'It' was coming, and I raced off through the store towards the restrooms, laying down a cloud the whole way, praying that I'd make it before the grand mal assplosion took place.
Luck was on my side. Just in the nick of time I got to the john, began the inevitable 'Oh my God', floating above the toilet seat because my ass is burning SO BAD, purging. One poor lady walked in while I was in the middle of what is the true meaning of 'Shock and Awe' . She made a gagging sound, and disgustedly said, 'Sonofabitch!', then quickly left.
Once finished I left the restroom, reacquired my partially filled cart intending to carry on with my shopping when a store employee approached me and said, 'Ma'am, you might want to step outside for a few minutes. It appears some prankster set off a stink bomb in the store. The manager is going to run the vent fans on high for a minute or two which ought to take care of the problem. That of course set me off again, causing residual gases to escape me.
The employee took one sniff, jumped back pulling his shirt up to cover his nose and, pointing at me in an accusing manner shouted, 'IT'S YOU!', then ran off returning moments later with the manager. I was unceremoniously escorted from the premises and asked none too kindly not to return.
Home again without having shopped, I realized that there was nothing to eat but leftover chili, so I consumed two more bowls. The next day I went to shop at Albertson's. I can't say anymore about that because we are in court over the whole matter. Bastards claim they're going to have to repaint the store..
Things You Find Out When You Have A Son
1 - A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq. ft. house 4 inches deep.
2 - If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.
3 - A 3-year old Boy's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.
4 - If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound Boy wearing Batman underwear and a Superman cape. It is strong enough, however, if tied to a paint can, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20x20 ft. room.
5 - You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on. When using a ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.
6 - The glass in windows (even double-pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.
7 - When you hear the toilet flush and the words 'uh oh', it's already too late.
8 - Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.
9 - A six-year old Boy can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36- year old Man says they can only do it in the movies.
10 - Certain Lego's will pass through the digestive tract of a 4-year old Boy.
11 - Play dough and microwave should not be used in the same sentence.
12 - Super glue IS forever.
13 - No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk on water.
14 - Pool filters do not like Jell-O.
15 - VCR's do not eject 'PB & J' sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.
16 - Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.
17 - Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.
18 - You probably DO NOT want to know what that odor is.
19 - Always look in the oven before you turn it on; plastic toys do not like ovens.
20 - The fire department in Austin ! , TX has a 5-minute response time.
21 - The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy.
22 - It will, however, make cats dizzy.
23 - Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.
24 - 80% of Women will pass this on to almost all of their friends, with or without kids.
25 - 80% of Men who read this will try mixing the Clorox and brake fluid.
2 - If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.
3 - A 3-year old Boy's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.
4 - If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound Boy wearing Batman underwear and a Superman cape. It is strong enough, however, if tied to a paint can, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20x20 ft. room.
5 - You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on. When using a ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.
6 - The glass in windows (even double-pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.
7 - When you hear the toilet flush and the words 'uh oh', it's already too late.
8 - Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.
9 - A six-year old Boy can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36- year old Man says they can only do it in the movies.
10 - Certain Lego's will pass through the digestive tract of a 4-year old Boy.
11 - Play dough and microwave should not be used in the same sentence.
12 - Super glue IS forever.
13 - No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk on water.
14 - Pool filters do not like Jell-O.
15 - VCR's do not eject 'PB & J' sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.
16 - Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.
17 - Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.
18 - You probably DO NOT want to know what that odor is.
19 - Always look in the oven before you turn it on; plastic toys do not like ovens.
20 - The fire department in Austin ! , TX has a 5-minute response time.
21 - The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy.
22 - It will, however, make cats dizzy.
23 - Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.
24 - 80% of Women will pass this on to almost all of their friends, with or without kids.
25 - 80% of Men who read this will try mixing the Clorox and brake fluid.
Friday, January 30, 2009
The Medical Profession speaks out on the Financial Bail-Out Package
>> The Allergists voted to scratch it.
>> The Dermatologists advised not to make any rash moves.
>> The Gastroenterologists had sort of a gut feeling about it.
>> The Neurologists thought the Administration had a lot of nerve.
>> The Obstetricians felt they were all laboring under a misconception.
>> The Ophthalmologists considered the idea shortsighted.
>> The Pathologists yelled, 'Over my dead body!'
>> The Pediatricians said, 'Oh, Grow up!'
>> The Psychiatrists thought the whole idea was madness.
>> The Radiologists could see right through it.
>> The Surgeons decided to wash their hands of the whole thing.
>> The Internists thought it was a bitter pill to swallow.
>> The Plastic Surgeons said, 'This puts a whole new face on the matter.'
>> The Podiatrists thought it was a step forward.
>>The Urologists felt the scheme wouldn't hold water.
>> The Anesthesiologists thought the whole idea was a gas.
>> The Cardiologists didn't have the heart to say no.
>> In the end, the Proctologists left the decision up to some anuses in Washington .
>> The Dermatologists advised not to make any rash moves.
>> The Gastroenterologists had sort of a gut feeling about it.
>> The Neurologists thought the Administration had a lot of nerve.
>> The Obstetricians felt they were all laboring under a misconception.
>> The Ophthalmologists considered the idea shortsighted.
>> The Pathologists yelled, 'Over my dead body!'
>> The Pediatricians said, 'Oh, Grow up!'
>> The Psychiatrists thought the whole idea was madness.
>> The Radiologists could see right through it.
>> The Surgeons decided to wash their hands of the whole thing.
>> The Internists thought it was a bitter pill to swallow.
>> The Plastic Surgeons said, 'This puts a whole new face on the matter.'
>> The Podiatrists thought it was a step forward.
>>The Urologists felt the scheme wouldn't hold water.
>> The Anesthesiologists thought the whole idea was a gas.
>> The Cardiologists didn't have the heart to say no.
>> In the end, the Proctologists left the decision up to some anuses in Washington .
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