I went grocery shopping recently while not being altogether sure that course of action was a wise one. You see, the previous evening I had prepared and consumed a massive quantity of my patented 'you're definitely going to $h!t yourself' chili. Tasty stuff, albeit hot to the point of being painful, which comes with a written guarantee from me that if you eat it, the next day both of your butt cheeks WILL fall off.
Here's the thing. I had awakened that morning, and even after two cups of coffee (and all of you know what I mean) nothing happened. No 'Watson's Movement, despite habanera peppers swimming their way through my intestinal tract, I was unable to create the usual morning symphony referred to by my next door neighbors as 'thunder and lightning'.
Knowing that a time of reckoning HAD to come, yet not sure of just when, I bravely set off for the market, a local Wal-Mart grocery store that I often haunt in search of tasty tidbits. Upon entering the store at first all seemed normal. I selected a cart and began pushing it about dropping items in for purchase. It wasn't until I was at the opposite end of the store from the restrooms that the pain hit me. Oh, don't look at me like you don't know what I'm talking about. I'm referring to that 'Uh, Oh, gotta go' pain that always seems to hit us at the wrong time.
The thing is, this pain was different.The habaneras in the chili from the night before were staging a revolt. In a mad rush for freedom they bullied their way through the small intestines, forcing their way into the large intestines, and before I could take one step in the direction of the restrooms which would bring sweet relief, it happened. The peppers fired a warning shot.
There I stood, alone in the spice and baking aisle, suddenly enveloped in a noxious cloud the likes of which has never before been recorded. I was afraid to move for fear that more of this vile odor might escape me. Slowly, oh so slowly, the pressure seemed to leave the lower part of my body, and I began to move up the aisle and out of it, just as an elderly woman turned into it.
I don't know what made me do it, but I stopped to see what her reaction would be to the malodorous effluvium that refused to dissipate. Have you ever been torn in two different directions emotionally? Here's what I mean, and I'm sure some of you at least will be able to relate. I could've warned that poor woman but didn't. I simply watched as she walked into an invisible, and apparently indestructible, wall of odor so terrible that all she could do before gathering her senses and running, was to stand there blinking and waving her arms about her head as though trying to ward off angry bees. This, of course, made me feel terrible, but then made me laugh. .......BIG mistake!!!!!
Here's the thing. When you laugh, it's hard to keep things 'clamped down', if you know what I mean. With each new guffaw an explosive issue burst forth from my nether region. Some were so loud and echoing that I was later told a few folks in other aisles had ducked, fearing that someone was robbing the store and firing off a shotgun. Suddenly things were no longer funny. 'It' was coming, and I raced off through the store towards the restrooms, laying down a cloud the whole way, praying that I'd make it before the grand mal assplosion took place.
Luck was on my side. Just in the nick of time I got to the john, began the inevitable 'Oh my God', floating above the toilet seat because my ass is burning SO BAD, purging. One poor lady walked in while I was in the middle of what is the true meaning of 'Shock and Awe' . She made a gagging sound, and disgustedly said, 'Sonofabitch!', then quickly left.
Once finished I left the restroom, reacquired my partially filled cart intending to carry on with my shopping when a store employee approached me and said, 'Ma'am, you might want to step outside for a few minutes. It appears some prankster set off a stink bomb in the store. The manager is going to run the vent fans on high for a minute or two which ought to take care of the problem. That of course set me off again, causing residual gases to escape me.
The employee took one sniff, jumped back pulling his shirt up to cover his nose and, pointing at me in an accusing manner shouted, 'IT'S YOU!', then ran off returning moments later with the manager. I was unceremoniously escorted from the premises and asked none too kindly not to return.
Home again without having shopped, I realized that there was nothing to eat but leftover chili, so I consumed two more bowls. The next day I went to shop at Albertson's. I can't say anymore about that because we are in court over the whole matter. Bastards claim they're going to have to repaint the store..
Monday, February 16, 2009
Things You Find Out When You Have A Son
1 - A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq. ft. house 4 inches deep.
2 - If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.
3 - A 3-year old Boy's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.
4 - If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound Boy wearing Batman underwear and a Superman cape. It is strong enough, however, if tied to a paint can, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20x20 ft. room.
5 - You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on. When using a ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.
6 - The glass in windows (even double-pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.
7 - When you hear the toilet flush and the words 'uh oh', it's already too late.
8 - Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.
9 - A six-year old Boy can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36- year old Man says they can only do it in the movies.
10 - Certain Lego's will pass through the digestive tract of a 4-year old Boy.
11 - Play dough and microwave should not be used in the same sentence.
12 - Super glue IS forever.
13 - No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk on water.
14 - Pool filters do not like Jell-O.
15 - VCR's do not eject 'PB & J' sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.
16 - Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.
17 - Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.
18 - You probably DO NOT want to know what that odor is.
19 - Always look in the oven before you turn it on; plastic toys do not like ovens.
20 - The fire department in Austin ! , TX has a 5-minute response time.
21 - The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy.
22 - It will, however, make cats dizzy.
23 - Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.
24 - 80% of Women will pass this on to almost all of their friends, with or without kids.
25 - 80% of Men who read this will try mixing the Clorox and brake fluid.
2 - If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.
3 - A 3-year old Boy's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.
4 - If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound Boy wearing Batman underwear and a Superman cape. It is strong enough, however, if tied to a paint can, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20x20 ft. room.
5 - You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on. When using a ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.
6 - The glass in windows (even double-pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.
7 - When you hear the toilet flush and the words 'uh oh', it's already too late.
8 - Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.
9 - A six-year old Boy can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36- year old Man says they can only do it in the movies.
10 - Certain Lego's will pass through the digestive tract of a 4-year old Boy.
11 - Play dough and microwave should not be used in the same sentence.
12 - Super glue IS forever.
13 - No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk on water.
14 - Pool filters do not like Jell-O.
15 - VCR's do not eject 'PB & J' sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.
16 - Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.
17 - Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.
18 - You probably DO NOT want to know what that odor is.
19 - Always look in the oven before you turn it on; plastic toys do not like ovens.
20 - The fire department in Austin ! , TX has a 5-minute response time.
21 - The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy.
22 - It will, however, make cats dizzy.
23 - Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.
24 - 80% of Women will pass this on to almost all of their friends, with or without kids.
25 - 80% of Men who read this will try mixing the Clorox and brake fluid.
Friday, January 30, 2009
The Medical Profession speaks out on the Financial Bail-Out Package
>> The Allergists voted to scratch it.
>> The Dermatologists advised not to make any rash moves.
>> The Gastroenterologists had sort of a gut feeling about it.
>> The Neurologists thought the Administration had a lot of nerve.
>> The Obstetricians felt they were all laboring under a misconception.
>> The Ophthalmologists considered the idea shortsighted.
>> The Pathologists yelled, 'Over my dead body!'
>> The Pediatricians said, 'Oh, Grow up!'
>> The Psychiatrists thought the whole idea was madness.
>> The Radiologists could see right through it.
>> The Surgeons decided to wash their hands of the whole thing.
>> The Internists thought it was a bitter pill to swallow.
>> The Plastic Surgeons said, 'This puts a whole new face on the matter.'
>> The Podiatrists thought it was a step forward.
>>The Urologists felt the scheme wouldn't hold water.
>> The Anesthesiologists thought the whole idea was a gas.
>> The Cardiologists didn't have the heart to say no.
>> In the end, the Proctologists left the decision up to some anuses in Washington .
>> The Dermatologists advised not to make any rash moves.
>> The Gastroenterologists had sort of a gut feeling about it.
>> The Neurologists thought the Administration had a lot of nerve.
>> The Obstetricians felt they were all laboring under a misconception.
>> The Ophthalmologists considered the idea shortsighted.
>> The Pathologists yelled, 'Over my dead body!'
>> The Pediatricians said, 'Oh, Grow up!'
>> The Psychiatrists thought the whole idea was madness.
>> The Radiologists could see right through it.
>> The Surgeons decided to wash their hands of the whole thing.
>> The Internists thought it was a bitter pill to swallow.
>> The Plastic Surgeons said, 'This puts a whole new face on the matter.'
>> The Podiatrists thought it was a step forward.
>>The Urologists felt the scheme wouldn't hold water.
>> The Anesthesiologists thought the whole idea was a gas.
>> The Cardiologists didn't have the heart to say no.
>> In the end, the Proctologists left the decision up to some anuses in Washington .
Truisms
1. Life isn't fair, but it's still good.
2. When in doubt, just take the next small step.
3. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone.
4. Don't take yourself so seriously. No one else does.
5. Pay off your credit cards every month.
6. You don't have to win every argument. Agree to disagree.
7. Cry with someone. It's more healing than crying alone.
8. It's OK to get angry with God. He can take it.
9. Save for retirement starting with your first paycheck.
10. When it comes to chocolate, resistance is futile.
11. Make peace with your past so it won't screw up the present.
12. It's OK to let your children see you cry.
13. Don't compare your life to others'. You have no idea what their journey is all about.
14. If a relationship has to be a secret, you shouldn't be in it.
15. Everything can change in the blink of an eye. But don't worry; God never blinks.
16. Take a deep breath. It calms the mind.
17. Get rid of anything that isn't useful, beautiful or joyful.
18. Whatever doesn't kill you really does make you stronger.
19. It's never too late to have a happy childhood. But the second one is up to you and no one else.
20. When it comes to going after what you love in life, don't take no for an answer.
21. Burn the candles, use the nice sheets. Don't save it for a special occasion. Today is special.
22. Over prepare, and then go with the flow.
23. Be eccentric now. Don't wait for old age to wear purple.
24. The most important organ is the brain.
25. No one is in charge of your happiness, except you.
26. Frame every so-called disaster with these words: "In five years, will this matter?"
27. Always choose life.
28. Forgive everyone everything.
29. What other people think of you is none of your business.
30. Time heals almost everything. Give time, time.
31. However good or bad a situation is, it will change.
32. Your job won't take care of you when you are sick. Your friends will. Stay in touch.
33. Believe in miracles.
34. God loves you because of whom God is, not because of anything you did or didn't do.
35. Don't audit life. Show up and make the most of it now.
36. Growing old beats the alternative--dying young.
37. Your children get only one childhood. Make it memorable.
38. All that truly matters in the end is that you loved.
39. Get outside every day. Miracles are waiting everywhere.
40. If we all threw our problems in a pile and saw everyone else's, we'd grab ours back.
41. Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need.
42. The best is yet to come.
43. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up, and show up.
44. Yield.
45. Life isn't tied with a bow, but it's still a gift..
2. When in doubt, just take the next small step.
3. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone.
4. Don't take yourself so seriously. No one else does.
5. Pay off your credit cards every month.
6. You don't have to win every argument. Agree to disagree.
7. Cry with someone. It's more healing than crying alone.
8. It's OK to get angry with God. He can take it.
9. Save for retirement starting with your first paycheck.
10. When it comes to chocolate, resistance is futile.
11. Make peace with your past so it won't screw up the present.
12. It's OK to let your children see you cry.
13. Don't compare your life to others'. You have no idea what their journey is all about.
14. If a relationship has to be a secret, you shouldn't be in it.
15. Everything can change in the blink of an eye. But don't worry; God never blinks.
16. Take a deep breath. It calms the mind.
17. Get rid of anything that isn't useful, beautiful or joyful.
18. Whatever doesn't kill you really does make you stronger.
19. It's never too late to have a happy childhood. But the second one is up to you and no one else.
20. When it comes to going after what you love in life, don't take no for an answer.
21. Burn the candles, use the nice sheets. Don't save it for a special occasion. Today is special.
22. Over prepare, and then go with the flow.
23. Be eccentric now. Don't wait for old age to wear purple.
24. The most important organ is the brain.
25. No one is in charge of your happiness, except you.
26. Frame every so-called disaster with these words: "In five years, will this matter?"
27. Always choose life.
28. Forgive everyone everything.
29. What other people think of you is none of your business.
30. Time heals almost everything. Give time, time.
31. However good or bad a situation is, it will change.
32. Your job won't take care of you when you are sick. Your friends will. Stay in touch.
33. Believe in miracles.
34. God loves you because of whom God is, not because of anything you did or didn't do.
35. Don't audit life. Show up and make the most of it now.
36. Growing old beats the alternative--dying young.
37. Your children get only one childhood. Make it memorable.
38. All that truly matters in the end is that you loved.
39. Get outside every day. Miracles are waiting everywhere.
40. If we all threw our problems in a pile and saw everyone else's, we'd grab ours back.
41. Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need.
42. The best is yet to come.
43. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up, and show up.
44. Yield.
45. Life isn't tied with a bow, but it's still a gift..
Tuesday, January 27, 2009
A Wrestler's Biggest Fan
That's my little boy by mat number two...
He's on deck;
He's the one that tries to look so confident,
While I sit here a wreck.
I sit here watching nervously,
Biting my nails and shaking in my seat;
Praying for a victory,
And not a quick defeat.
Please don't let him be hurt,
Please let him be all right;
After all this is why he practices so hard,
Almost every night.
I'll just suffer through it,
And hive him my support;
Wondering why sometimes,
He ever chose this sport.
But when it's finally over,
And he makes it through "the three";
Nothing can beat the look on his face,
That look of Victory.
The look that says, "I did it, hey mom did you see?"
And when the ref holds up his hand, I know why he chose this sport;
And when the victory goes the other way,
I still give him my support.
There's always a next time as long as you try,
A mom never fails to say;
"You're always a champion in my eyes, son,"
"And you will always be that way."
A mom is a wrestler's biggest fan,
She knows what's in his heart;
She knows his dedication,
And how he tries so hard.
It's hard for a mom to sit and watch,
As her son gets pinned;
And it's hard not to get emotional,
As you watch your baby win.
Seeing his eyes search for you,
While you're sitting in the stands;
Making sure you saw his every move turn out,
Just the way he had planned.
Because every wrestler knows,
That mom is his biggest fan!!!
~Author Unknown~
He's on deck;
He's the one that tries to look so confident,
While I sit here a wreck.
I sit here watching nervously,
Biting my nails and shaking in my seat;
Praying for a victory,
And not a quick defeat.
Please don't let him be hurt,
Please let him be all right;
After all this is why he practices so hard,
Almost every night.
I'll just suffer through it,
And hive him my support;
Wondering why sometimes,
He ever chose this sport.
But when it's finally over,
And he makes it through "the three";
Nothing can beat the look on his face,
That look of Victory.
The look that says, "I did it, hey mom did you see?"
And when the ref holds up his hand, I know why he chose this sport;
And when the victory goes the other way,
I still give him my support.
There's always a next time as long as you try,
A mom never fails to say;
"You're always a champion in my eyes, son,"
"And you will always be that way."
A mom is a wrestler's biggest fan,
She knows what's in his heart;
She knows his dedication,
And how he tries so hard.
It's hard for a mom to sit and watch,
As her son gets pinned;
And it's hard not to get emotional,
As you watch your baby win.
Seeing his eyes search for you,
While you're sitting in the stands;
Making sure you saw his every move turn out,
Just the way he had planned.
Because every wrestler knows,
That mom is his biggest fan!!!
~Author Unknown~
Monday, January 26, 2009
Canine Learning Experience 2009 - Day 2
Sunday was day two of the Canine Learning Experience was a good day too. I wasn't there due to a conflicting wrestling meet Tyler was in, but reports are Rayne won her 3-6 month puppy class, along with Gina placing 3rd and Aurora placing 4th. This was a great day for my girls being they had very little ring training. Hopefully they'll continue with their winning ways. These pics were taken by Phasion Whippets, thanks Paul & Kim.
Saturday, January 24, 2009
Canine Learning Experience 2009
I am so very proud of my puppies. At 2 days shy of 6 months, Otis...aka Eclipse Singin' The Blues won his 3-6 month puppy class at the Canine Learning Super Match tonight. His sister Aurora...aka Eclipse Rhythm & Blues, although she didn't place, she showed quite well for not being out and about much. She does need a bit more attitude though.
From the other litter, just shy of 6 months by a week, Rayne...aka Eclipse Secret Wish was 2nd in a big 3-6 month class and litter sister Gina...aka Eclipse Strike a Pose was 4th in the same class. I'm very proud of these kids, and look forward to more exciting things from them in 2009.
Hopefully I'll be able to get up some good pics of them from the match. I didn't take any, but I know someone who did.
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