Killer Chili

I went grocery shopping recently while not being altogether sure that course of action was a wise one. You see, the previous evening I had prepared and consumed a massive quantity of my patented 'you're definitely going to $h!t yourself' chili. Tasty stuff, albeit hot to the point of being painful, which comes with a written guarantee from me that if you eat it, the next day both of your butt cheeks WILL fall off.

Here's the thing. I had awakened that morning, and even after two cups of coffee (and all of you know what I mean) nothing happened. No 'Watson's Movement, despite habanera peppers swimming their way through my intestinal tract, I was unable to create the usual morning symphony referred to by my next door neighbors as 'thunder and lightning'.

Knowing that a time of reckoning HAD to come, yet not sure of just when, I bravely set off for the market, a local Wal-Mart grocery store that I often haunt in search of tasty tidbits. Upon entering the store at first all seemed normal. I selected a cart and began pushing it about dropping items in for purchase. It wasn't until I was at the opposite end of the store from the restrooms that the pain hit me. Oh, don't look at me like you don't know what I'm talking about. I'm referring to that 'Uh, Oh, gotta go' pain that always seems to hit us at the wrong time.

The thing is, this pain was different.The habaneras in the chili from the night before were staging a revolt. In a mad rush for freedom they bullied their way through the small intestines, forcing their way into the large intestines, and before I could take one step in the direction of the restrooms which would bring sweet relief, it happened. The peppers fired a warning shot.

There I stood, alone in the spice and baking aisle, suddenly enveloped in a noxious cloud the likes of which has never before been recorded. I was afraid to move for fear that more of this vile odor might escape me. Slowly, oh so slowly, the pressure seemed to leave the lower part of my body, and I began to move up the aisle and out of it, just as an elderly woman turned into it.

I don't know what made me do it, but I stopped to see what her reaction would be to the malodorous effluvium that refused to dissipate. Have you ever been torn in two different directions emotionally? Here's what I mean, and I'm sure some of you at least will be able to relate. I could've warned that poor woman but didn't. I simply watched as she walked into an invisible, and apparently indestructible, wall of odor so terrible that all she could do before gathering her senses and running, was to stand there blinking and waving her arms about her head as though trying to ward off angry bees. This, of course, made me feel terrible, but then made me laugh. .......BIG mistake!!!!!

Here's the thing. When you laugh, it's hard to keep things 'clamped down', if you know what I mean. With each new guffaw an explosive issue burst forth from my nether region. Some were so loud and echoing that I was later told a few folks in other aisles had ducked, fearing that someone was robbing the store and firing off a shotgun. Suddenly things were no longer funny. 'It' was coming, and I raced off through the store towards the restrooms, laying down a cloud the whole way, praying that I'd make it before the grand mal assplosion took place.

Luck was on my side. Just in the nick of time I got to the john, began the inevitable 'Oh my God', floating above the toilet seat because my ass is burning SO BAD, purging. One poor lady walked in while I was in the middle of what is the true meaning of 'Shock and Awe' . She made a gagging sound, and disgustedly said, 'Sonofabitch!', then quickly left.

Once finished I left the restroom, reacquired my partially filled cart intending to carry on with my shopping when a store employee approached me and said, 'Ma'am, you might want to step outside for a few minutes. It appears some prankster set off a stink bomb in the store. The manager is going to run the vent fans on high for a minute or two which ought to take care of the problem. That of course set me off again, causing residual gases to escape me.

The employee took one sniff, jumped back pulling his shirt up to cover his nose and, pointing at me in an accusing manner shouted, 'IT'S YOU!', then ran off returning moments later with the manager. I was unceremoniously escorted from the premises and asked none too kindly not to return.

Home again without having shopped, I realized that there was nothing to eat but leftover chili, so I consumed two more bowls. The next day I went to shop at Albertson's. I can't say anymore about that because we are in court over the whole matter. Bastards claim they're going to have to repaint the store..

Things You Find Out When You Have A Son

1 - A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq. ft. house 4 inches deep.

2 - If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.

3 - A 3-year old Boy's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.

4 - If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound Boy wearing Batman underwear and a Superman cape. It is strong enough, however, if tied to a paint can, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20x20 ft. room.

5 - You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on. When using a ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.

6 - The glass in windows (even double-pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.

7 - When you hear the toilet flush and the words 'uh oh', it's already too late.

8 - Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.

9 - A six-year old Boy can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36- year old Man says they can only do it in the movies.

10 - Certain Lego's will pass through the digestive tract of a 4-year old Boy.

11 - Play dough and microwave should not be used in the same sentence.

12 - Super glue IS forever.

13 - No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk on water.

14 - Pool filters do not like Jell-O.

15 - VCR's do not eject 'PB & J' sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.

16 - Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.

17 - Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.

18 - You probably DO NOT want to know what that odor is.

19 - Always look in the oven before you turn it on; plastic toys do not like ovens.

20 - The fire department in Austin ! , TX has a 5-minute response time.

21 - The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy.

22 - It will, however, make cats dizzy.

23 - Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.

24 - 80% of Women will pass this on to almost all of their friends, with or without kids.

25 - 80% of Men who read this will try mixing the Clorox and brake fluid.